Daily misery

and like can I return her when she starts crying and shitting in her diaper?

I blame this sudden urge on a-peril’s awesome photography skill.

A man who consistently voted against gay interests, but turns out to be not just gay but the kind of gay who likes to get it in public restrooms. Don’t people like Larry Craig and Ted Haggard and Mark Foley prove that being gay really is a hard-wired thing — not, as the conservatives always claim, a “lifestyle choice”? If anyone could choose not to have gay sex, it would be these guys, since their whole careers are built on not having gay sex.

Proceed to read ‘The 13 “Dickheads of the Year” According To Bill Maher’.

amix: hates dr. phil, he is such an asshole. he probably beats his wife in his sparetime :D
alvin: dr phil is never wrong! never!
amix: maybe it’s not dr. phil that’s fucked, but his audience. they come to the show and cry - - wtf :)

Are you male? Do you watch porn? If your answers to these questions are ‘yes’ and ‘fuck yes’ respectively, you are more likely to objectify women. I am not assuming you do, but the likelihood is strong. The likelihood is correlated with how frequently you watch porn and how frequently an orgasm follows each viewing…..

…Are porn viewers the only ones who are to blame for such a dissonance? I say that chick flicks are far worse than porn in this sense. Those sappy romance flicks give females a delusional notion of what romance is in reality. Some females who have been romantically desensitized by Disney films growing up won’t settle for anybody less than prince charming. Those same females grow up to watch other flicks like “The Notebook,” and “Titanic.” They enter the dating world thinking a man will sweep them off their feet..

Read the rest of the post.

Not every airport chase scene ends happily. But still this doesn’t justify porn addiction. *looking somewhere else*

Bright sun and beautiful day. Went to rogers.com and tried to pay my wireless bill. First attempt trying to sign in:

Hmm after a couples times doing the ‘page refresh and try again’ sequence, I decided to use IE. Maybe rogers is just one of those primitive site that doesn’t support firefox, accessibility and section 508. So sad.

Nope, that didn’t work either. Ok let’s try password recovery. Got new password in email. Followed the link in email.

Three different URLs for post sign in action. All were error messages.

I was losing patience. Went to google and searched for ‘rogers customer service’ and clicked on the first result…

I surrendered.

Back in the days when we were really poor, my uncle gave me a roller blade for my 9th birthday. It was made with a combination of discarded plywood, alligator skin and olive oil. He would teach me all these wonderful tricks which I had, over a period of a couple years, mastered well. We didn’t have the money to buy a video camera back then to record all my moves but they are pretty similar to this video. It brings back memories from those glory years of my childhood.

Dear friends,

Facebook has connected us in so many ways it has became a vital part of my daily routine. The things we can’t do without facebook, I can’t even begin to imagine.

Some say social networking sites are created because everyone loves to flirt, some say to reconnect with old pals and there are some others who just want to share their naked pictures while posing in such a way that would make their moms wish they had an abortion earlier.

All are fine with me. Thing is we all want to know *real* updates on our *real friends’* life. Now, when you do an imaginary vampire bite on one of your/my friends, that’s not a real update. When you bitch slap someone with an imaginary application hand coupled with an imaginary, virtual giggle sound, that’s not a real update. When you do that 100 times a day and populate my newsfeed and make me miss some of the more important, *real* updates on my friends, that’s not cool. And when you want me to go to a biting adventure with you, like this:

that’s not cool either. I don’t want to bite my friends.

When I started FB, I told myself: this is going to be just for *real friends*, people I’ve actually met in real life and enjoyed the company with. See I already have a terminally dysfunctional friendster account where it’s filled with people I *want to be friends with* and who *wants to be friends with me* and I have no idea who they are except that they are armed with the notable ability of taking kawaii pictures of themselves from a downward angle coupled with a strategically-placed peace sign next to their cheek. Facebook is a fresh start. I want to keep my profile clean and hopefully, application free because when it really comes down to it, I know getting a real love bite beats any finite amount of vampire bites I can possibly get.

So, seriously, lovingly, with all due respect, please stop sending me application invites. The ‘ignore’ button is one of those button I press one too many times, and feel terribly awkward afterwards because I don’t want you to feel like I don’t want to play with you. It brings back bad memories from my childhood and yours.

You and me, we can be together. Without vampire bites.

waiting for your imaginary gift,
AL

every computer scientist in training knows that someday in not too distance future they will be called upon by their cousin or best friends friend for this obligatory rescue mission:

‘my pc won’t boot, too many pop ups, i swear i didn’t do anything, i clicked on this link from this email and it showed Paris Hiltons’ boobies and everything just blew up (without me doing anything, i swear)…please help me’

Just because our degree has the word ‘computer’ inscribed on the scroll, that must mean we are the dummies guide to everything remotely related to a computer. Biggest fucking social misperception of all time. For crying out loud, we even design a t-shirt to show the world our pain and sorrow.

so I rarely broadcast my major anymore. 3 years working in this supposedly real world, it really doesn’t matter much anyway. Besides, what I’m doing right now, people won’t even realize you need a computer science degree to do it well. Management people gives us a bunch of titles, there’s user experience designer, interaction designer, UI designer, front end engineers and bla. Luckily, the worst ‘since you are… so you must know how to…‘ we get is this:

it’s much easier than fixing your Windozzz, trust me.

so this is what I learned a couple days ago.

Just like the microwave, radio and clock/watch, there are also two types of pregnancy test stick: analog and digital.

Using the analog, you can get either the negative or positive result. The digital one however, will give you either the negative, the positive or the ERROR message.

ERROR = WTF.

oh I’m sorry, did my pee fry your transistors?

O hai, no alcoholik k. juz a bit. kthxbai.

Image shamelessly ripped from wei jian’s album.

via white ninja comics

I’m turning Daily Misery into an urban dictionary.

tramagedy
n. from tragedy + drama; Tragedy seen through the eyes of lolcats; drama provoking immediate schadenfreude.

via push cx

At the risk of coming across as a sexist douche and causing an uproar among my loyal female readers with my camwhore entry last week, I felt the need to reiterate my claims that the definition of the word camwhore applies to all gender, male and female. I am well aware of the fact that the accompanying photos in the earlier entry only show pictures of female (or rather, teenage girls) flashing the V sign. What about the guys, one might ask.

Regretfully, that is very insensitive and unfair of me. There must be photos of dudes camwhoring somewhere. I’ve searched for many days and even with the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I believe I will find it eventually if I just keep looking, harder. For the time being, maybe these will do…

Keep humping, bolehland…

camwhore (kămhôr, kămhōr) (sometimes cam-whore or cam-slut)
n.

1. Someone who is armed with the notable ability of taking kawaii pictures of themselves from a downward angle coupled with a strategically-placed peace sign next to their cheek.

It is suggested that the ideal angle of the camera is usually 45 degrees on either the top right or left hand side (rarely middle) of the person’s head depending on which side of his/her face has less pimples.

intr.v., camwhored, camwhor·ing, camwhores.

1. To associate or have camwhoring relations with camwhores or a camwhore.
2. To accept ego-kudos in exchange for camwhore relations.
3. To compromise one’s principles and dignity for personal camwhore session.

[Middle English hore, from Old English hōre.]

Some samples:

notes: Su Ann and I discussed lengthily about the importance of having the ‘V’ peace sign in the definition (she’s the one who inked the original definition). We finally agreed that the sign can be optional and as long as the person is trying visibly hard to act cute in front of the camera with the very intention of attracting massive public attention to self-boost personal ego, he/she can utterly be touted as a camwhore. She even provided some exclusive samples for clarification.

Christene pointed me to this youtube video just now. I had been searching for this clip ever since I first watched the episode a couple months ago. Still looking for my jaw. ^_^

Malaysian *checked*
Kinda cute *checked*
Plays guitar *checked*
Powerful, angelic voice *checked*
Can play guitar and sing at the same time *checked* *checked*
Composes and writes her own song *checked*

I think my mom will let me marry this one, no problem.

Melinda Wong - Cold Feet (Original)

You can send your kudos to Melinda Wong.

it’s only 8.50 am on Tuesday morning and I’m already into my second laughter of the day.

First is Waiter’s Crack and secondly, this:

I love creative, peaceful demonstration.

Saturday May 26th the VNN Vanguard Nazi/KKK group attempted to host a hate rally to try to take advantage of the brutal murder of a white couple for media and recruitment purposes.

Alex Linder the founder of VNN and the lead organizer of the rally kicked off events by rushing the clowns in a fit of rage, and was promptly arrested by 4 Knoxville police officers who dropped him to the ground when he resisted and dragged him off past the red shiny shoes of the clowns.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s shouted, “White Flour?” the clowns yelled back running in circles throwing flour in the air and raising separate letters which spelt “White Flour”.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s angrily shouted once more, “White flowers?” the clowns cheers and threw white flowers in the air and danced about merrily.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s tried once again in a doomed and somewhat funny attempt to clarify their message, “ohhhhhh!” the clowns yelled “Tight Shower!” and held a solar shower in the air and all tried to crowd under to get clean as per the Klan’s directions.

At this point several of the Nazi’s and Klan members began clutching their hearts as if they were about to have a heart attack. Their beady eyes bulged, and the veins in their tiny narrow foreheads beat in rage. One last time they screamed “White Power!”

The clown women thought they finally understood what the Klan was trying to say. “Ohhhhh…” the women clowns said. “Now we understand…”, “WIFE POWER!” they lifted the letters up in the air, grabbed the nearest male clowns and lifted them in their arms and ran about merrily chanting “WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER!”

Read the full story here.

by Daniel Cook

so visit wetriffs.com and submit your picture. Like many people, I can’t even begin to imagine my life without xkcd.

I picked this up via reddit.com. It’s so true it’s not even funny. Ok maybe a little bit funny. Ok I’m laughing my ass off.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
A short story

A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“Yes I do,” replies the man. “And how did you know that?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault!”

Some of these are pretty crude, so brace your ears…

“Going to the auto show and looking at the minivans is like going to the strip club and looking at the DJ” [I think I love my wife]

“If god had intended us not to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.” [onmylist.com]

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” [onmylist.com]

The thing is, being a good programmer actually pays pretty well; being acknowledged as being world-class pays even better….So I think I would have missed the opportunity of my lifetime if I had not made Linux widely available [rather than made it proprietary and built a company around it]. [Linus Trovalds]

If you’re not a fluent speaker of a particular language, you’re often forced to stretch your limited vocabulary into bizarre, descriptive phrases instead of the exact words that say what you mean. Maybe you remember the last time you were overseas and asked directions to the “shop of changing banknotes.” In the same way, you’ll mostly see similes in specifications provided by clients who may not know how to say that they want “database of user registrations with reports X, Y, and Z” or “JavaScript menus that degrade into CSS-formatted lists.” [Jack Zeal]

Google sent 377 total visits via 230 keywords to Daily Misery last month. Here are the top 10 keywords.

To all those poor souls that have stumbled across this site via Google when searching for ‘little dick’, I’m sorry to tell you that Google has misled you. My winnie poonie is anything but little. And it is certainly, for surely, without any doubts, not dead.

Now I wish I’d chosen better words for this post title.

To all my friends who work in the software tech field.

So I was asking for opinions in my workplace internal IRC chat room about whether I should shave my head. Erica didn’t seem to like the idea and instead thought I can up my cuteness barometer by at least 10-fold by making my hair looks like some random Korean pop star image she pulled from the web.

She even went as far as to try and convince me by quickly photoshopping an after-effect image and showed it to everyone in the chat room.

I really don’t think that’s going to work.